Is anybody out there

Uprooted and alone
My heart it turns to stone.
The life I loved lost by me,
Why must I live with so much tragedy?
Used and abused
Abandoned by all.
Empty and alone
I watch the cards fall.
With such pain I see,
All I cared for slipping from me.
No more warmth of day
Nor comfort of nights embrace.
Facts I must face
That none will ever love,
Never love.
As deeply as me.

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You make me

You my dear make me feel
Happy
Sad
And mad
Your gaze it makes me smile
Your gaze it makes me cry
Your touch elated
Makes me feel not completely bad
Your touch also calms
It makes me feel warm
It also turns me on
But can make me feel abhorred
You make me feel
Hurt
Betrayed
And so very all alone
When you’re near, but your actions say your far
It makes me feel
Much like Im a bore
You make me feel viscous and vile
For hurting you how I did
But you also teach me
I must change to see you smile
Baby you make me happy, even when I’m mad
If only I could have you back
I’ll make you feel much more.

Poetry

All things read had to be wrought
Poetry cannot be bought
For you see it comes not
From sight or nor thought
It comes from small spaces
Spaces within the heart
Poetry is a window to a soul
It tells story
Emotion
It can tell all
But things can be corrupted
Broken and used
For you see poetry
Can indeed be abused
Torture can be written
Read over and over until
All pain is present
In readers soul too
But it also hold beauty
Perfect and divine
And when its being written, it doesn’t have to rhyme.
Poems can tell love or loss
Can be about nothing all
But fact remains
That a poem
Comes from your soul.

Nights

The night is the hardest time. All the days deeds done, and all thats left is to think. Alas, this brings naught but loneliness. I wish so deeply to be near her, to hold her, to speak with her. But, I have to get to know her again, we’ve both changed so much in the time before I wrote this, we’ve hurt each other so. Yet, through all the pain, I still desire and want her more than anything before. I want to give her my love, to unlock her heart once more and show her what I really can be. But, she will not allow this. She needs space, she’s not in love with me. I harmed her and pushed her away trying so hard to win her back. Ive lost myself adrift the sea once more, without compass or map. I feel as though theres a gash in my heart the size of the universe. I feel so all alone without her. I wish I could take it all back, and do it better from the start. This dwelling only harms my progress, I know… But… I just miss her so.

April 1, 2018

Today I’m writing just to write. My journey has led me here today for whatever cosmic reason it is that I need be here. I lost the love of my life due to my own faults. The woman I thought about from the time we first got together almost nine years ago until this very moment. Even while I was married to another, and we had a daughter. My hears aches and my mind burns. The has been naught but chaos since she said that she was done. But thus chaos is calming. Yet I still love her. My heart will not release her, despite my conscious efforts to do so. I am resigning myself to the pain of simple friendship in the hopes that we may one day love again. I will not also blind myself to love should it appear from somewhere else.

For now I work on me. My narcissistic tendencies, my lack of communication skills, my cognitive function. I work on my mind body and soul now. To become the man ive wanted to be all along, though I got lost on the way. Caught in depression and anxiety, I felt, and in some ways still do feel the tragic victim. Though, I know that all the past hurts were just the cosmos trying to teach me a lesson.

Im not entirely sure what else to write… Theres so much I need to leave behind for good. The grief of a six year old little boy for that of my best friend, and cousin Jennifer taken from me by cancer. The pain caused by my stepmother during my childhood, her berating and beating, her demeaning. The poor social and psychological skills, and terrible coping mechanisms given by my father and mother. The feeling of excluded-ness from my family because when as a child Jennifer died, no one sought to console the me.

I need to place aside the resentment for people because of the betrayals of those closest to me. Those whom I allowed myself to open my heart to, and who also abandoned me. Those who said they card for me, but used my kindness and love against me.

I need to sort through the tumult that is my mind and emotions, and become strong again, become more worthy and capable of loving another and receiving love from them. I need to abandon my toxic traits, and find my center. To stand up for myself, to learn to do what I need.

I’m going to a professional next week. So, it begins.

Innocent one

You sit so cheerily down counting the colors.
Singing and humming you apply the powders and balms.
You ask me how beautiful you are. You ask if the others will think you’re cute.
But don’t you see my little one, all I know is how beautiful you are to me.
You hold in your tiny hands a heart so broken and worn.
Yet, you hold it as though it were brand new.
You run and play with the other kids. You laugh so much louder.
Your heart so innocent and pure, yet already filled with so much wisdom.
You’re kind and caring, and you speak so well.
My daughter, my only wish is that I could save you from the hurt to come
Lifes a harsh path, with difficult lessons
So much is cruel I fear to let you see.
Yet, I force myself because it simply has to be.
I wish I could save the innocence I see
Let the world stay pie and grand
The way I wish it be.

Silver linings

For you see, my heart doth call to thee
Your touch, like that of a summer breeze
Your smile, gorgeous and resounding.
Whenever I am near, my thoughts like butterflies do linger.
They remain fixed on memories, sweet and soft.
They recall the passion, wishing so hard to remain there engulfed
Wrapped totally in the bliss that was.
Alone, the thoughts writhe in agony understanding the cause.
They see the mistakes that led to the loss of beauty, the fall of bliss
The mind, it searches for a way. A path back to you, to your love.
Lamenting, I try, use all my might to kindle hope.
But there, in its way; irrationality, anxiety, pain by who was so dear
Searching, the man must realize. His way so lost, adrift the sea.
He must learn; to find a way back to thee. Must shed the bags of guilt and fear. Must throw down the burden of hurt and pain.
To hope is to accept the pain of defeat because of the chance to succeed.
Hope realized is glorious and grand.
The dashing of hope is crushing and rash.
My hope is withered as I fear to lose.

But, from whatever fruit may flourish, strength will too.