Ive had a minor breakthrough. Everything ive ever done, anything I’ve ever given up, anyone I’ve ever hurt. All of that, is because of my lack of self care. I hurt so deeply and vividly I’m willing to try nearly anything to stop it. I’m afraid to be alone because I’m afraid I will end myself, I’m impulsive because I know it doesn’t matter because I don’t really care what happens. I have no desire to live here, now, or anytime in my past. I’m toxic to everything around me; consuming more than I need in an attempt to fill the gaping void thats been torn inside me by living. I hurt and take from the people I love and care for, and most people don’t seem to notice. I’m garbage, steaming universal shit. I’m not unique or special; I’m just a gash sucking the beauty of life into it churning it up into despair and sorrow and pain. Every smile I send is a lie, every laugh I echo id hollow and dull. Every action lacks any real conviction. I dont fervently believe anything; my convictions are false, self imposed facades to help mask the black within.
The only kernel of hope is that I dont want or mean to hurt others, though I do so consistently, which deepens the darkness within. I cannot help it, the pain and hurt is a magnet, pulling with exponentially growing gravity at my life fracturing me further and further. Like a mirror thrown crashing to the ground, then piled up and used. My inner self looks back at me through the pain as a reflection would the mirror.
The sound systems broken and the pain is all I can hear as I watch the million images screaming back at me. Their silent message lost totally from the maelstrom inside.
The only parts that hold themselves together are the parts I wish I could burn, remove completely so I might hear the sounds of the me I see in the mirror because at less it would be something different.
People are constantly telling me to find an outlet, to try and open up to them. To go see someone about things “you know, just to talk… Sort it out”
Dont you see, I have, I have looked for outlets but they all had something plugged in, and I couldn’t use them. I have opened up, and been shutdown, turned out, laughed at, and told how much worse other people have it enough times to know when people aren’t ready for my truths.
I’ve gone to see someone, when I was mentally capable of taking myself in. But, I’m too very good at the mind games they play, and despite the fact that I know their intent is to help I cannot help but tell them everything that makes me sound like I’m making progress, or that I’m just fine. I dont understand how someone who’s being paid to help people sort out their mental issues can do so little.
It all just seems so hopeless. Because no matter what I’ve tried, its all a waste. Like me.