Huh

A wise mind once said to me
Be safe, dont do anything stupid
Yet here I sit, considering
Making the worst decision of my life.
I sit here ready to ruin everything around me
One drink away
One hit away.

I stare at you through the window
The window
The window to my soul
Time moves slow
Life stands still
My mind speeds on

Ready to take the worst step in my history
Ready to ruin everything around me
Just one drink
Just one hit

I stare at you through the window
The window
The window to my soul
Time moves slow
Life stands still
My mind speeds on

Buried fury
Hidden rage broiling forth
Sadness and disdain mixing betwixt
Pain and love lingering
Tumultuous patterns flutter to and fro
The last sip
One last hit
Time moves slow

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Silence

I lay here silently thinking. Dreaming of things as they could be, how I wish they would be. I look back towards the past and regret thing that transpired. I peer to more recent times and sigh at things I wish I would have known. I look to now, as I watch my dreams form and crumble as I wake and sleep. I daydream about how wonderful things could be, how grand they were before, but am hit by the stark contrast of how they are now, and stung by my ability to ruin everything I desire.

I repel my dreams, I find ways to sabotage everything before it can grow into something I desperately want. I am distant when I should be near, attached when I should be independent. I react inversely to what a situation requires.

I’ve been asked recently why I spend so much time alone, isolated from the world. The answer is this; I hate the world, I hate living in it. I hate the people I deal with most every day. I hate doing the things I have to do to survive and function in this miserable existence.

Then, I find things, and even more rarely people, who make me smile and feel a little better about the shitty dimension I’ve been born into.

But, as I find those beautiful moments or people, I act. Ruin follows. The things Ive touched lose their beauty. The people run, or push me away, or I realize something that makes me run, or push them away. Not because I dont want the happiness I felt, but because I realize how it will end if the good moments do not.

I did something terrible in a past life, and failed to learn my lesson early in this life, and am now paying for it.

My spirit feels broken, like my mind, and heart. My soul has lost its once brilliant flame. Charred ashes all that remain inside this husk.

New growth sometimes attempts to take root, but isn’t able because of the salted earth that has become of the garden that once was me.

There should be a title

Once more I write, to no avail. My mind and heart weighing heavily upon me. I want to rest, want to be without toil for a time. No fear, no hurt, no thoughts. My soul needs rest.

I watch the things, places and people around me, watch as they all interact with one another.

I look back upon my past and reflect upon my life. Pain, in all directions, moments of joy spattered about. Anxious stretches lay abound, hurt sadness, oppression to and fro I see my life. Torn by anger, sadness, and depression.

I look at my past, and present and wonder about my future. Will there continue to be more of the same, despite my efforts, and those of others to change the pain I hold, to transform it to strength and happiness? Will things change, and if so for better or worse?

A battle rages inside of me, a medieval primal world of hurt. Heroes embody emotions, generals of their respective armies. All meeting to do battle upon the fields of my soul, a bloody massacre of myself from within.

No hope of aid sits on the horizon as clouds grow foreshadowing the oncoming storm. The on-looking hordes of soldiers waiting for the first crash of lighting to signal the battle of mud and blood. The calm before chaos.

I’m certain, at least a part of this tumultuous existence shows through my eyes. Yet none seem to see, thinking me normal, happy and free.

A day should end

There are days, good and bad

Long and fast

There are some you wish to run on

Repeating forever

Others you wish to be over once begun

The days accumulate

Their parts becoming a whole

As you read them

Carousing the overarching meaning

You see, its all one day.

A long one

You look closer and sigh

Not one you wish to last forever

But a day that should simply end.

I sit

I watch the smiles around me
Laughter echoing through the air
I watch them make friendly
Confusion fills me, makes me feel strange
I see them walk and talk
It fills me with such disdain.
Broader my gaze grows
Heightened by my rage
I see more of them, two, four, and ten
I force myself, silent I remain
Watching all, wishing, praying they could see.
Not what I look nor now I appear
But how I feel, what I hear.
To be where I am, they eye of this storm
To see them all so gay
My heart does sit there misunderstood,
My mind still but far away
As I watch myself from a perspective third
Wondering when, or where they will see, welcome me.
Or if they even may.
One apart stands alone separate from me.
We speak a moment, smile and laugh but then it seems to end.
Was I too much, as I often seem to be? Or was I not enough, again the truth matching what I see in me.
Why cant they see
See more than I show
See into the real me
Or maybe they can, and that is reason why
I sit, alone.

Tidally locked

Pushing and pulling
Crushing and churning
Torn
Flowing with no normality
Locked stuck
Unable to move
Thump thump thumping
The waves lap upon the hull
I stare to the stars
Chains binding
As I stare to the moon
Tidally locked
One side always facing
The other hidden
Like me
People see the same me
But behind that is another side
Hidden by my own rotation
The spin matching the orbit
Strangely enough feeling torn
the moon pulls the seas
Something pulls me
Tidally locked
Unable to be seen

Awakening

It has begun
Life of a seemingly new kind
Chaos ignored, thoughts woven for fun
The clouds lifted, clear pictures unwind
It is an awakening
One chakra at a time
A keening of mind
Things pass by, in new light they shine
Ideas flow forth tumultuous and strange
Ideas of growth, ideas of change
The soul looks at this sudden assault
Growing less barren
Green begins to show, rising from below
Salted earth gives way replaced by deep soil
Lush, sweet earth for the people to toil
As things change, the whole begins to shift
Pain replaced with understanding
Hate relenting
Something has happens
Caused an awakening
I want to pay thanks
To the people around
Who’s words weighed firm
Who’s hearts broke through
You share your wisdom
He shares his patience
All together working
Bringing about the calm
Knowledge abounds, new and old
Coming together to reach conclusion untold.
Truthfully, this is but a beginning
A journey, long and hard
This is my awakening
Let me just start with the yard