A slice of the truth

I feel the need to write, but I know not what nor why tonight. So i shall write something and see what it becomes.

A sigh, that is how i feel most of the time. Most of my days. Little more, little less. Unsure if it is my defeat or a relief. Just a sigh.

I recognize many of my faults and endeavor to better them, and to fix those other show to me. But it never seems enough.

I see few strengths but i try to leverage those when i can and develop those other show me. Yet its never enough.

I never feel whole, not even half complete. Pieces missing, lost to time seem to have fallen from me.

Broken I am, again, probably more than ever. Alone I am, to face the world the best I can.

Born in the wrong time, in the wrong place it seems. To early or too late, my purpose left unfufilled because that purpose doesnt exsist now, and I shant live to see the time in which it does again.

Verily, the fire that raged in my hearth for so long dies. Slowly it wanes, smothered a littke at a time by the ashes of other lives. Starved of fuel by neglect and lack of tending. No tender caress for my heart, no care for what small flames still linger within.

I fear to reach out to the people who care because the past has been bitter. I force myself not to reach out to those whom I wosh would nurture me because I fear to send them fleeing, or because I must not because they are not mine to lean towards.

My heart still holds love, but I cannot express it because not only are you not mine, but because I have grown to fear that I know not how to love properly anymore. Not how you nor anyone else deserve. I fear that I am too old to learn this once more. I fear that I will remain broken forevermore. Unable to touch another soul, fill it with the softness and tenderness I once knew how to give so well.

Ive built these walls so high, so thick and strong, in an effort to protect myself from pain. I fear these walls will now crush me. They hold back so much and I fear to let it out because the risks have shown to be too great to endure.

I want to love again. But i dont know where to start. I dont know how to begin and give you what youre worth, even if I could have you.

You are, and sadly will always be, the one who I let fall throughy grasp, and I will always despair over this.

You. You are my Tinúviel, and you will sadly never know.

Crushing

Sometimes a person does a thing which is utterly crushing to their soul. I have now done this, ripping open my being once more with no hope of return. I lay my heart on a plate for examination only to realize my despair. For you see, this cannot be. Nothing wonderful is waiting for me. I must bear my burden on my own. Alone.

Love is not in my cards, never has been. Accepting this reality almost hurts more than being rejected once again. For you see, I am me. A pretty face with deep eyes. But thats all anyone wants to know. Running, fleeing, when they see the depths.

Do not try to console, for it would be a waste. Im not worth of the effort anyways. Not since I grew so broken all those years ago.

Is this self pity? No, a simple assessment of fact and observation combined to find my soul lacking some desirable portion which is required to find love.

I share the scribbles with people only to feel more lack there. No one really cares. Only about themselves.

Never about me.

Entitled

I deserve better than this.

Something far greater than you would ever provide.

I opened up to you, began sharing my vulnerable bits because I thought I could trust you. I spent time wanting you, to be with you, to see you. I tried to arrange time with you, to show you I care.

But you threw it away. You ignored me, pushed me away, blew me off, and claim I hurt you. Because I asked if I was just an option for you?

I deserve better than that. Much better. I deserve reciprocation, I deserve effort too. I shouldn’t wonder where I stand with you.

I can be wonderful.

Caring.

Kind.

Loyal.

Nurturing.

Romantic.

Passionate.

Protective.

Helpful.

I can be more.

But you pissed it all away. You heard me tell you I needed reciprocation. I needed care. I needed to feel wanted, and you left me standing there.

You’re a fool.

You don’t deserve me.

Go back to your outstanding track record.

Felons still in prison

A woman abuser who won’t care for his kids

For someone so intelligent, you sure are an idiot.

I deserve better, and I won’t accept less.

Hollow

Your empty words are meaningless now. I thought you were the one, but yet again you run. All I asked was for clarification, but that was too much and you continued to shut me out.

Lost is Beren to you, false Tinúviel. You quite was clever, though ultimately flawed. Your lack of effort noticed, revealing the falsehood that was you. Facade seen through. Youre just like them all, treating my heart as a toy until you finally start to see the real me.

I bid you well, Goodluck and goodnight. May you find what happiness you can.

You jezebel.

Onward I shall go, to find my Tinúviel.