I sometimes dont even know. Things spill forth, truths ramble from me, words independent of consequence. Thought gone, wild abandon filling me as I say, write, and do things while an unrelenting stream flows forth. Emotion, raw an uncontrollable, leaves my being, consciousness unable to control the tides. Passion guiding all that is logical within me.
Balance, the desired state, seems impossible, sensitivity and uncontrollably violent emotions rule my world, but then the night. Silence, calm, blissful and engulfing takes hold, logic replaces emotion and thoughts become clear. But, without emotion, also fleeing, my empathy abandons me, my words become insensitive, and my decisions based from pure instinctual desire for self preservation and a desire to control my environment.
I say things from this place, my words flowing with wild abandon, emotion controlled logic. Pain follows. Not for myself, but pain inflicted elsewhere as the well constructed thoughts become too harsh to be shared. Speaking brings more trouble than I can tolerate. Hurtful things leave me, honesty explodes, and I lose all empathetic ability. My passion is my downfall, emotions destroy me, logic betrays me.
Then, as I look upon the wake of my words and actions, attempting to assimilate the meanings and consequence, I see what has occurred. I see the twisted betrayal I have wrought. Control is a distant hard fought for goal, as I speak and the truth flows, control gives way to the instinct that I hold so dear to my self preservation, betraying my heart, keeping me safe as it reinforces the walls I’ve built to protect myself.
Letting people inside the fortress I have constructed to protect myself is a frightening experience, to trust another to see the treasure that is the truth of my existence places all reactive forces on high alert, harsh and cold these troops protect the individual around which the impermeable walls have been built. The slightest sign of impending damage to this core being, they purge all from inside the walls, keeping the core reason for their existence raw and purified, alone. Thus being grows unrealistically, searching for someone to stand beside him, to guide him. Someone to advise him, keep him from the overreaction that reigns supreme.
As I open myself and bare the sensitive parts of who I am, I realize how incomplete I am, how much I have to learn about myself, how soft and fragile I am. How useless I truly am.
I do not know what I did in a previous life to deserve the pain I have experience in my lifetime, but whatever it was, haven’t I made up for it yet? The painful life I’ve been forced to live, the harm Ive done to preserve myself. Perhaps I am doomed to be alone, without another being to understand and accept me. Perhaps, because I am the way I am, I was ment to live in solitude, to become a hermit, to simpy be alone without contact outside. Perhaps, that is what I require to avoid self pain, to avoid harming others, to allow the world to be how it should. My light is wrong, my shining self doesn’t belong. Nowhere is where I should inhabit. Perhaps I deserve this all for the sins of the past. Perhaps I I’ll manag to live forever, in tho solitude, and watch myself go insane, to watch everything ends, and still have learned nothing. I cannot be complete. I cannot be truly happy. I must remain under developed, and hurt. I must leave, disappear from the lives around me, doomed to walk alone, watching the world move around me. To save those I care for, I must disappear. The pain I leave in my wake, the pain I allow myself to feel. I must resign myself to self misery and solitude. Not for me, by for others. I must bury the light and darness together to allow the world peace.
I must disappear, become invisible.